I want help - I need someone
Some people think I don't want to get better but that's not true. I really do want to get better but I am scared of the anxiety and I'm scared of going outside. I thought a good start would be to go to a quiet library and learn to get rid of my separation anxiety and agoraphobia (nice and quiet library) but I basically had to beg my mum to go and I'm so scared she will forget. The problem is everytime I have an idea to get better, it's a major struggle I wish my family was more on-board otherwise I'll be stuck forever. I feel like such a loser.
I'm even scared to tell them my ideas. I also want to go to Artspace which is a cool program to learn art but I don't see that happening either. I self-harmed a few days ago, couldn't help it and it did feel really good. At least when I self-harm I see myself here for a reason because right now, I feel like I'm a waste of space and do not belong here.
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If I do manage to get to the library I will get some chapter books and some education books on different subjects like weather and maybe animals or some history. I'm really interested in womens' rights. I will feel bad dragging my mum to the library because she hates libraries and books, and I know this will make her angry.
I've had this fake 'fantasy' family in my head for around 2 years and I wish they were real because they are so good to me and I feel very much loved. In my fantasy family, I have no anxiety disorder either. Ugh why can't dreams come true?
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